love

How to handle being Rejected after being diagnosed.

As we’ve spoken about in the past, there are no easy or right answers to any of the posts I make.  My fingers are still crossed that someday, someone will create a book titled              ” Handbook for the recently diagnosed” but until that day comes, ::cracks knuckles:: I will continue giving my unsolicited advice!

Insert 5 cents here tin-cup-new_1.jpg

Recently,  someone broke it off with me in the hospital, first she didn’t believed me because I didn’t reply to her text messages fast enough; probably because I was in the hospital.  She then proceeded to accuse me of Munchhausen syndrome until I showed her pictures and video chatted with her in the hospital. Finally, she called it off because   “it was too much drama”.  This is also someone who couldn’t miss an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, so the humor is not lost on me.

Now my first instinct was to put on my cape and cowl and demand justice but after a tumultuous nights sleep, I knew I needed to move on.

Remember the important people in your life, the people who have been there for you from through the hard times. Trust me, I know you’re mad, I know it hurts and I know it’s not fair. The best revenge is living the better life.

Imagine living in a world, where you are too afraid to love someone, just because you are afraid someone is going to die. In truth, I feel sorry for her, we’re all going to go at some point, but I don’t think wanting to live should be considered “Drama”

Remember to laugh,  do something new or old; go on a spontaneous adventure. For me, I love baking, seriously it’s a problem. I own so much flour my neighbors probably think I’m the reincarnation of Pablo Escobar. There’s something so cathartic about baking cookies and pies to me; it’s about control for me, the measurements have to be exactly right in order to have a great product.

Cry; ain’t nothing wrong with shedding a tear. As a man I’ve been taught to hold my tears back because it’s not considered “manly”. Whatever, I don’t ascribe to that toxic masculinity bullshit. Let it out man, it’s a part of the process and an important one at that.

Give yourself a reasonable time to talk about it. I would suggest a therapist if you don’t have one. Having said that, I know how expensive that can be. If that’s the case, I would suggest choosing a close friend to talk to about this.

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Never rely on a single person to give you a reason to live.  I don’t care how pretty they are, we all look silly putting our pants on one leg at a time. I know it’s easier said than done, but take this time away from your partner to realize what a catch you are. Also,  autonomy is important, while relationships are good, they also can mutate into co-dependency problems; so take advice from the former king of Pride Rock:

“Remember who you Are!” -Mufasa… R.I.P

After looking in a pool of your own glorious reflection for days or months, begin dating again. Love does exist, we just have a bigger hill to go up before we find it. The good thing, though, is that through this process, you will find the real people who will want to be in your life. People will always reveal their true selves to you during hard times; that’s our gift, that’s our curse but just like anything in life, it’s all in how you look at it.

Life is just a state of mind.

 

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A Letter to all the women who have rejected me. Thank you.

To the women who have rejected me; thank you. I didn’t know it yet, but because of you I have become a better person. Without your help I wouldn’t have analyzed what I really wanted in a partner and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to continually fall in love with myself.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I thought I was going to die alone, that the longest relationship I would ever have would be with my cancer ( Thank God it hasn’t asked for a ring yet, six years and going strong), but there was one person I was forgetting about… me! The longest relationship I will ever have is with myself… (How could I have missed this?) Don’t get me wrong rejection never stops hurting, but thats not a bad thing; it gives you the opportunity to grow as a person, to look within yourself and question what you thought you knew about yourself.

One thing I learned was that the women who genuinely wanted to be in my life made it clear; by giving me time to heal as well as reaching out to me. Another thing; You can’t blame someone for not being attracted to you and they shouldn’t blame you for not wanting to be friends with them afterwards; it’s no ones fault, but it’s a sad reality you both may have to come to terms with.

This one is for you, thanks again to all the women who have rejected me. No matter how small your contribution may have been you all have shaped my life; definitely for the better. I would have never discovered my own strength without you guys. I haven’t found the ” one” yet, but when I accidentally, englishly stumble upon who ever she is I know I will have you guys to thank.

-Keith

Tales from the Diagnosed-Losing a child

Hey guys, as most of you know I interviewed over 150 cancer patient to help a new stage show I am doing here in New York. I wanted to share some of the interviews with you, because I feel it’s important to hear everyones story; from mothers, to fathers to friends to even the suicide hotline. This is a story about a mother coming to terms with losing her son.During the interview she was cleaning his room.
Carol
Life Is Never the Same. I Will Never Be the Same. Those
are only two of the many things I’ve learned since I
lost my son to Rhabdomyosarcoma.

*She starts folding his clothes and putting them into
garbage bags to donate to the goodwill*

CAROL
Another thing I learned is that God DOES give us more
than we can handle sometimes. If God didn’t give people
more than they could handle we wouldn’t see people end
up in rubber rooms with drool puddles beneath them. We
wouldn’t see people drink themselves to death just
trying to numb the pain. We wouldn’t see parents give
up on life, on themselves and all those that love them
but don’t understand their grief. So, sometimes…God
does give us more than we can handle.

* She goes back to folding again*

I just had to get that off my chest, because if I had a
nickel (okay maybe a dollar with the economy the way it
is today) for every time I’ve had that said to me since
my son died..I wouldn’t be struggling to put gas in my
car and pay my rent every month. I have other children
to live for. And I do thank God for that. If it were
not for my twins who are 5 years old, I honestly can’t
say that I would be able to find a reason to get out of
bed in the morning, much less decorate a Christmas tree
or ice birthday cakes.

*After folding the clothes, she takes the banner
that spelled his name above his bed down, along
with clearing out the rest of the room *

CAROL
My son was diagnosed with this horrible disease a month
after his 8th birthday. He had an inner ear infection
which wasn’t responding to antibiotics. We went to have
tubes placed in his ears to drain the fluid and that’s
when the mass was found in his right ear. It was
biopsied and I guess I knew even before I knew..a
mother’s intuition..that it wasn’t going to be good.
Nothing could have prepared me though for just how bad
it was.Have you ever even heard of Rhabdomyosarcoma? Me
either. I just remember thinking when I was writing it
down on a piece of paper, that it was the ugliest word
I had ever heard.

She picks up the broom and begins the sweep the
empty room.

CAROL
He was admitted the very same day to A.I. Dupont
Hospital and Chemo began almost immediately. I remember
his doctor telling me that although this was a very
aggressive disease, it had already metastasized to his
lungs and that there was no need to make plans for
Disney Land.

*Stops sweeping to get the dustpan*

CAROL
He was wrong. If I had known then, what I know
now..about the disease..I’m not so sure I would have
put my son through all the anguish the last six months
of his life turned out to be..especially the radiation.
I think I would have just spent the time I had left
with him doing all the things he so looked forward to
doing. Things we’d lay in bed and fantasize
about…..But, hindsight’s 20/20 or something like
that. You know…This is the first time I’ve been able
to talk about my son;the first year I couldn’t even
speak his name out loud. I can do that now. Baby
steps,it’s all baby steps,but right now..it’s time to
go play with my other children..lots of hugs and kisses..there are never enough of those. Another thing I learned.

Thanks for reading guys, if you’re New York in 2015 make sure to look out for the Cancer Chronicles.

Operation happy happy Joy Joy. Meet Diana!

Meet Diana, this busy actress has taken time out of her insanely busy day to tell us what gives her hope!

Operation: Happy happy Joy Joy, takes to the streets of Manhattan to ask random people what gives them hope.
If you would like to participate yourself, (or send words of criticism) just send me a short video recording and I will post it on your behalf. please email me at stinkywizzleteats45@gmail.com

Operation: Happy happy Joy Joy. Meet Lauren and Danielle

Operation: Happy happy Joy Joy, takes to the streets of Manhattan to ask random people what gives them hope.
This will be a on going a project, hopefully everyday I will have a new video up.

if you would like to participate yourself, (or send words of criticism) just send me a short video recording and I will post it on your behalf. please email me at stinkywizzleteats45@gmail.com

Operation: Happy Happy Joy Joy. Meet Lisa and Steven

After being diagnosed with cancer at an early age, I have been struggling with Suicidal thoughts for a while now. So I decided to start Operation: Happy happy Joy Joy and take to the streets of Manhattan and ask random people what gives them hope.
This will be a on going a project, hopefully everyday I will have a new video up. I will have a new one up today. looks like it.
Also, thank you all for your kind emails and words of encouragement during this rough time for me.

If you would like to participate yourself, (or send words of criticism) just send me a short video recording and I will post it on your behalf. please email me at stinkywizzleteats45@gmail.com

I don’t care about quality! film it on your mac, phone, whatever you have and upload it on youtube, make it private or unlisted and send it to me or send it by google drive!

what brings you joy?

what gives you hope

and who is that one person in your life you appreciate, but haven’t made the time to say thank you.

Operation: Happy Happy Joy Joy

I have to apologize to everyone who reads my blog. I have been going through a dark period in my life that has prevented me from updating.

Recently I tried committing suicide, I left my apartment 11:30 at night and took as many pills as I could. Forgetting that harlem apartment is literally 5 blocks away from Harlem Hospital… ( I lose). I didn’t expect a nurse to come to my rescue ( if it wasn’t for her midnight dog walks, I could have gotten away with it!) In all seriousness, I’m getting help for this though.

I know this may come as a shock. Especially, since I’m making a feature film, working on a web series and my play DECOY will be shown in a couple of theaters here in the city.  Recently I was told by someone I cared about, that they couldn’t handle my sickness and could no longer be part of my life.(I’m currently doing radiation treatment) This crushed me, I though, if a friend is saying this, what stake do I have in the future? That statement was the final straw, that lead to this act. Between the treatments and the overwhelming depression side effects. I have been feeling overwhelmed. “Fret not, I have device that will make it all well”

So in the grand style and in the name of absurdity on my blog, I’m going to do a brand new challenge of sorts. Operation Happy happy Joy Joy . Every week I will interview strangers and ask them: what gives them hope, joy and who is that one person in their life they appreciate, but haven’t made the time to say thank you.

if you would like to participate yourself, (or send words of criticism) just send me a short video recording and I will post it on your behalf. please email me at stinkywizzleteats45@gmail.com

I don’t care about quality! film it on your mac, phone, whatever you have and upload it on youtube, make it private or unlisted and send it to me or send it by google drive!

what brings you joy?

what gives you hope

and who is that one person in your life you appreciate, but haven’t made the time to say thank you.

Conversations with My cancer ridden Body.

Keith: I doubt you’re getting many love letters this Valentine’s Day. Don’t get excited — this isn’t one, either. But since you’ve been what some would classify as a relationship, I just want to say-

Cancer: Keith, you don’t have to say anything you sweet, sweet man!

Keith: Now hold on there, peanut butter Jelly time! … I just want to say that as much as I can’t stand you most days, you brought a certain change in me good and bad that can’t be ignored. 

Cancer:::waves hands towards face, trying not to cry:: Oh Keith!

Keith: You’re not going to get all Halle Berry on me at the oscars are you?

Cancer: Shut up!

Keith: I just wanted to say that because of you I have slowly been able to accept myself for who I really am… short comings and all and yes… that even means you.

Cancer: :: sings:: If you wanna be my bestie, you have to get with my marrow, make it last forever frien-

Keith: cancer Pay attention as much as I want to hear you sing a cover from the spice girls! I don’t have time for this. Sure… So far my longest relationship is a tie between you and my oncologist, but today isn’t about you… 

Cancer: It isn’t?

Keith: I’m going to spend this day thinking of all my beautiful friends who have helped me make it this far, and also, ALSO by taking myself out and celebrating in the delights of new relationships.

Cancer: but, but what about me?

Keith: Oh relax cancer…. will always have chemo.

Conversations with my cancer ridden body.

 

Keith: dating is hard, this is ridiculous, the Ratio of Single Men to Single Women in NYC is 53% female and 47% male

Cancer: wait, you counted?

Keith: This is a well-known statistic!

Cancer: Okay, okay, calm down. I feel your pain, I’ve been trying to talk to this white blood cell across the way, but her family just isn’t having it. ::sigh::  

Keith: I see you have taken on some of my unfortunate traits of asking out the wrong people, well not people, but you know what I mean

Cancer: yeah. I do my friend, I do. I wanna go over there and talk to her, but it just won’t work. We come from two different cells

Keith: well technically you both come from bone—

Cancer: Two plasma cells, both alike in dignity

keith: what are you doing…..

Cancer: In Keith’s fair capillaries where we lay our scene, 

Keith: actually white blood cells travel through cap-

Cancer: From ancient marrow break to new mutiny, 

Keith: you’re just going to keep goi-

Cancer: Where dirty cells makes dirty ventricles unclean,

keith: aaand good bye context.

Cancer: From forth the marrows loins of these two cells 

keith: oh I can’t wait to hear the next part.

Cancer: A pair of star-cross’d cytes take their life.

Keith: Oh I get it!  I get it! (fast) because plasma cells are called plasmocytes and white blood cells are called leukocytes. That’s actually pretty

Cancer: -Clever! Yeah I know I made it up.

Keith: you mean, you adapted.

Cancer: No… I  made up, as in

Keith: Cancer!

Cancer: Maybe I didn’t, Maybe I did. We don’t have proof if Shakespeare-

Keith: Cancer… you’re not implying that

Cancer: what, that shakespeare had cancer!

Keith: wait, what!? I wasn’t expecting the conversation to-

Cancer: – I’m just saying that cancer has been around for a loooong time my friend.

Keith: So now you’re saying Shakespeare’s cancer wrote the prologue to Romeo and Juliet? Oh my god, my cancer is a conspiracy theorist

Cancer:  shhhh. (whispers) Think about it.

Love after cancer is as improbable as Sex after marriage.

Man… after all these years i still don’t know the appropriate time to tell someone I fancy, that I have cancer… Being a cancer survivor is a blessing, but finding your love life after cancer, is proving to be as impossible as catchingCarmen Sandiago. Le sigh

Any one else with the same problem?