Despite the outcome……
Give it your best shot.
Last Month, I sadly had to part ways with my girlfriend, because her mother didn’t approve of her daughter dating someone with cancer. The interesting thing about this break up is that her mother has breast cancer.
Folks, I have dealt with a lot of situations and odd prejudices from cancerphobes, but I was definitely waylaid by this. Granted, her mothers fear is based on her own personal experience and a very stark reality. The question I pose is, where is the line when seeking your parents approval? For instance, the girl I was dating had to constantly lie to her mother about meeting me. Folks, I just turned 30, as Danny Glover once said, “ I’m way too old for this shit” especially to play Romeo and Juliet: The Game.
*If you can, talk it out; work on a plan that will strengthen your friendship. I am a big fan of doing the work to level up.
There’s also the question of how much trying are you supposed to do before calling it? For instance, her mother refused to meet me, we tried several times to make this happen, but she refused every time. Even when her mother accused me of playing the waiting game I stuck with it. (She was planning on Applying to Medschool after she graduated) her mother figured I was waiting “in the wings” for her to be a doctor so I could take advantage of her skills. She really was something else.
*** There’s just no debating crazy, you can try for days, but like a bad horror movie, there’s always a sequel. In all fairness, I suggest meeting the mother face to face or try calling her on the home phone if you can. Unfortunately my ex didn’t want me to do any of those things, but the important thing is that you try.
Letting go is the hardest thing to do. The weird thing is that I can completely understand where the mother is coming from. She personally had to take care of her husband as he slowly succumbed to his disease and she doesn’t want the same for her daughter. Who’s to say that this will or will not happen; I’m pretty sure her being second generation and living at home didn’t help either.All in all, it really doesn’t matter; at the end of the day, we both deserve to be happy. The old me would have been devastated, but I truly believe there’s someone out there who can look past the cancer and see the real me. I spent almost five years allowing myself to be affected by how others view my cancer and me; I shall not make the same mistakes again.
Thanks for reading!!
Dating someone with cancer or any life threatening illness is like entering Mordor, and as we all know, one does not simply enter a relationship without doing some research.
Dating in general is hard, especially in todays digital “I want it now” ( Veruca Salt FTL!) age; now throw a little cancer into the mix, shake it up a bit and you will find dating to be almost impossible. The Key word is Almost.
Before I get started, here are a couple things to consider. Take a good, hard look at the reality of their situation and what you yourself want. You also have to consider the vast array of emotions that you’re going to feel through out this journey.
First of all, don’t buy into those silly books that romanticize cancer, I’m looking at you Nicholas Sparks and John Green.
As a Jedi once told me ” Patience, you must have my young padawan. Patience is Key, in all honesty, it took a lot for that person to tell you in the first place, so cut them some slack. Feel free to ask questions, but don’t 60 minutes them to death, also, do not expect them to divulge everything about their journey with cancer. This isn’t “The Year of Magical Thinking”.
It’s OKAY to be scared, seriously, it is! Talk about what specifically scares you with your partner; I can pretty much guarantee you that it will help build your relationship. Remember, that fear is what makes us human, so use it to your advantage. You’re probably asking yourself, “but how Jedi Master, Keith? Simple, let go of what scares you and you will truly be able to live.
Don’t let anyone else influence you, you are in a league of your own. Seriously, you are in the boss battles of all boss battles, you can make up your own mind. It’s okay to ask for advice, but in the end, it’s all you.
Don’t be a back seat doctor, seriously, Anakin, don’t do it, the real doctor has the high ground! We know you want the best for us, but unless you actually have a medical degree, have powers beyond this world or you’re simply the devil/Angel, you don’t know JACK. It’s okay to talk to us about alternative medicine that you have read about, but please don’t pontificate your new found love of science to us.
I want to talk about physical limitations. ::Barry White Voice:: “That’s Right” So there will be days when your partner will be so exhausted, that they will literally have to roll out of their bed to go to the bathroom, let alone get intimate. S0 when you do get intimate :: Barry White Voice:: ” Ahhhhh, Yeah Girl” communicate to each other. This is on you, patients, if your partner thinks they are hurting you in anyway, it’s over, and if it does hurt, but you want to continue, talk them through it. Having Sex while undergoing treatment is like playing WarGames, you know you probably should be playing chess with your partner, but Thermonuclear Detonation is more fun ( You see what I did there?!) ::sigh:: One last thing, do not strain yourself or put yourself in danger, communicate to each other!
Chemotherapy affects everyone differently, some people are really tired after their session, while others feel the affect much later. Believe it or not, there are some people who go to the gym right after their treatment; either way, the movies lied, no one throws up automatically after chemo.
Hero Worship is never good… No one I know wanted cancer, so don’t put your significant other on a pedestal. It’s okay tell them about your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Trust me, we want to know how your day was, we want to be there for you too. Don’t ever feel like you can’t express how bad you’re feeling because we may not be feeling well.
If your partner becomes depressed or is taking medication that has altered his mood in anyway, talk to him about it. I have taken more radiation to the face than Bruce Banner. Seriously, I have taken medication that has affected my mood so bad, it made Courtney love seem sane. The more honest you guys are the better.
Lastly, Don’t let him take his anger out on you! It’s going to be difficult, there will be bad days, there will be crying and There Will be Blood. uhhh errr sorry, I’m watching Daniel Day lewis as I’m writing this.
Congrats on making it this far in your relationship and I hope you make it work. I tell you this, there is nothing more rewarding, than crawling out of the primordial soup of mediocrity and knowing that you took on the impossible and made it. I hope this helps you Star fire and any other person who may be curious.
Cancer: wait, you counted?
Keith: This is a well-known statistic!
Cancer: Okay, okay, calm down. I feel your pain, I’ve been trying to talk to this white blood cell across the way, but her family just isn’t having it. ::sigh::
Keith: I see you have taken on some of my unfortunate traits of asking out the wrong people, well not people, but you know what I mean
Cancer: yeah. I do my friend, I do. I wanna go over there and talk to her, but it just won’t work. We come from two different cells
Keith: well technically you both come from bone—
Cancer: Two plasma cells, both alike in dignity
keith: what are you doing…..
Cancer: In Keith’s fair capillaries where we lay our scene,
Keith: actually white blood cells travel through cap-
Cancer: From ancient marrow break to new mutiny,
Keith: you’re just going to keep goi-
Cancer: Where dirty cells makes dirty ventricles unclean,
keith: aaand good bye context.
Cancer: From forth the marrows loins of these two cells
keith: oh I can’t wait to hear the next part.
Cancer: A pair of star-cross’d cytes take their life.
Keith: Oh I get it! I get it! (fast) because plasma cells are called plasmocytes and white blood cells are called leukocytes. That’s actually pretty
Cancer: -Clever! Yeah I know I made it up.
Keith: you mean, you adapted.
Cancer: No… I made up, as in
Cancer: Maybe I didn’t, Maybe I did. We don’t have proof if Shakespeare-
Keith: Cancer… you’re not implying that
Cancer: what, that shakespeare had cancer!
Keith: wait, what!? I wasn’t expecting the conversation to-
Cancer: – I’m just saying that cancer has been around for a loooong time my friend.
Keith: So now you’re saying Shakespeare’s cancer wrote the prologue to Romeo and Juliet? Oh my god, my cancer is a conspiracy theorist
Cancer: shhhh. (whispers) Think about it.
Man… after all these years i still don’t know the appropriate time to tell someone I fancy, that I have cancer… Being a cancer survivor is a blessing, but finding your love life after cancer, is proving to be as impossible as catchingCarmen Sandiago. Le sigh
Any one else with the same problem?